The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Green Spots
13:41 Nov 20 2007
Times Read: 628




A woman goes to her doctor's office to discuss a

strange development. She has discovered a green spot

on the inside of each thigh . They won't wash off and

they seem to be getting worse with each passing week.

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the

problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the

tests back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her

relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know

what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy--there's no

problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a

biker?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold," answers the

doctor.

The Cork
13:29 Nov 20 2007
Times Read: 629




Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower

after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck

in his butt "If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. why do you not take it out?" "I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is

permanently stuck in my butt." "I do not understand," said the other.

The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and

I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge

old

man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came

boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one

wish."

I said, "No shit?"



G od B l es s Am e r i c a

Cowboy
13:26 Nov 20 2007
Times Read: 630




One Sunday morning, an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin. Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt, and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn-out old hat and an equally worn-out Bible. The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed in expensive clothes and accessories. As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.



As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what he thinks would be appropriate attire for worship." The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.



The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church."



"I did," replied the old cowboy.



"If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the preacher.



"Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should wear. He said He'd never been in this church.

Dusty
13:25 Nov 20 2007
Times Read: 631




>>> One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to

>>> his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim

>>> Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!'

>>>

>>> His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't

>>> let such a comment go unrewarded.

>>>

>>> The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of

>>> his drawer. 'What the Heck is this??', he said to himself as a

>>> little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

>>>

>>> 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum

>>> powder in my underwear?'

>>>

>>> She replied with a snicker:....

>>>

>>> 'It's not talcum powder......

>>>

>>> It's 'Miracle Grow'.

I just HATE drawing welfare checks.
13:24 Nov 20 2007
Times Read: 632

I just HATE drawing welfare checks.















A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather have a job."



The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is

excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.



You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment

above the garage. The starting salary is $90,000 a year."



The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

FISHING
20:41 Nov 19 2007
Times Read: 633




>

> FISHING

> >>

> >>

> >> A man calls home to his wife and says,

> >>

> >> "Honey I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of

> >> his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a Long weekend. This is a

> >> good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so

> > could

> >> you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend.. ..and also get

> out

> >> my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 pm from

> the

> >> office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! And

> >> please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."

> >>

> >> The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but, being the good

> >> wife, she does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long

> >> weekend he came home a little tired but, otherwise, looking good.

> >>

> >> The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

> >>

> >> He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bass, and a few Pike. But why

> >> didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to to?

> You'll

> >> love the answer.................

> >>

> >> The wife replies, -- " I did, they're in your tackle box."

>

Elderly Sex
20:41 Nov 19 2007
Times Read: 634








Elderly Sex



The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first

time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this

very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love

with you.'

'Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking

a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,

having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these

two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them

so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for

support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to t he back of the

tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and

the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old

man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the

policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and

moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the

ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life

and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old

couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, I've got to ask

them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,

'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex

life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that

wasn't an electric fence.'

Pigs
20:40 Nov 19 2007
Times Read: 635




A farmer down in South Georgia had five female pigs.

Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the

county fair and sell them.



At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five

male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate

the pigs and split everything fifty-fifty.



The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed

to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which

to let the pigs mate.



The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs

got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family

station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had,

and drove the thirty miles.



While the pigs were mating, he asked the other

farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass

in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the

mud, they're not."



The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud.

So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family

station wagon again and proceeded to try again.



This continued each morning for more than a week.



One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get

& nbsp; out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please

look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the

mud or in the grass."



"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station

wagon and one of them is honking the horn."